Sunday, April 15, 2012

Filled with regrets

I haven't blogged since January, and didn't think I would blog again.  I'm not sure what is compelling me now.  I go for my third fill tomorrow, but I am not holding out much hope.  I have been quite depressed and sort of regretting getting my lap band surgery.  I had gotten down to 269 pounds, and now I am back up to about 282.  This surgery hasn't been any different than any other diet I have been on.  I am completely gung ho and successful for a while, and then I crash and burn.  I don't feel like the band has done anything for me, except to occasionally make me hurt and vomit.  I can't seem to get my head back in the game, and I know the surgery does nothing for your head, so why the hell did I do it?  I can't seem to come up with a good answer for that these days.

12 comments:

  1. I wish I could tell you it gets easier... but sadly, you only lose weight with the band when you are completely dedicated. And for me, the less success I have... The less I want to dedicate myself to it... Just like a DIET! I regret it sometimes too. I love food! That is never going to change, but I hate exercise... That's what really has to change. I am having revision surgery for exactly the reasons you mentioned. We need to stop looking at the big picture and dedicate ourself to one day at a time.... and then one week at a time, then one month at a time...We need each other. So please... Let's get together and do something active. We can do this! XOXO *M*

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    1. I need to get back to the pool, but my schedule has been so busy. I'm not sure what classes they even have any more. If you want we can meet up sometimes and just strap on a belt and walk in the lap lanes. I tweaked my knee again, so I'm thinking the pool would be my best bet. Thanks for your support!

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  2. I get what you are saying as I have been losing a lot less than others who were banded at the same time. But you have come a long way from 378 and you've just hit a funk. The games our relationship with food plays on our heads is incredible but I really think the blogging helps - really - 1 positive comment can do wonders. I'm looking at little ( I mean tiny) goals to stay sane and not depressed. Maybe that could work for you. Isolation is dangerous it feeds the food monster. I know the band does not work for all but I'm starting to realize how much I have to put in to make it work and how simple it would be to just go back. It's great that you are blogging there are so many of us here and we all get it successful or not we all had that beginning where the head won. Stay in touch.

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    1. Thanks, I appreciate the words of encouragement. I went to my surgeon's office yesterday for my fill, and when I met with the nurse she chided me for being too hard on myself, and the dietician asked if I have a pessimistic personality. Clearly I need to bring the positive back!

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  3. oh Beth I am so sorry you are struggling! Please don't stop blogging and please know that I have been right where you have been. Remember I regained nearly 80 pounds. It is hard work losing this weight. It is not easy, and the band is not the quick cure that some might think. I know it appears reading the blogs, that some just have the weight slip right off of them. I felt that way in the beginning here too. All of our bodies and metabolisms are different. What works for some cannot and will not work for you in most cases. If you read through my blog you will see many posts about the part our MINDS play in all of this.

    I have a an eating disorder. I am a food addict. I will ALWAYS BE ONE! No matter what my weight is. I dealt with that last year finally. I actually went to counseling for months every week. I had to deal with the WHY I choose food when I am not hungry. I had to figure out why food seemed to bring my happiness. The cruel rub of this is that it only did for the moments that I was consuming it. Right after I felt guilt, despair and sadness and self loathing.

    You truly have to work out and hard to get where you want to be. The older we are the harder this is! Trust me. Please do not give up nor get discouraged. With or without the band, you CAN DO this!

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    1. Thanks for your kind words. I never thought this would be a quick cure, but I was hoping it would be different than the past. I got a fill yesterday, so hopefully that is the kick in the pants that I needed. I'm pretty confident I am a food addict as well, and I am going to contact the eating disorder center that my surgeon's office recommended.

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  4. I'm so sorry you area struggling! I know it's hard.

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    1. Thanks, I know everyone understands how hard it is, and that is something I do love about the blogs.

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  5. I hear you. I go in this week for a revision on my port...since I found out my port flipped and I have no restriction I have quit "dieting" and am working on eating healthy...the white knuckling burns me out quick. I have been maintaining. My thought is to go back to the dieting once I have restriction until then I am just eating healthy and maintaining. I burn out too quickly. Maybe you need a fill and then give it another gung ho after the two days on liquids after fill? Just a thought...

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    1. Thanks for the advice, I'm going to do just that. I filled the house with healthy food and I'm going to start packing lunch again. I like you burn out too quickly, so hopefully I can view this as a different start and go gung ho again!

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  6. Sorry to hear you are having a tough time right now. Just know that there are many of us out here who completely understand what you are going through. Please don't beat yourself up. Recognizing you needed help is just the first step. Make time for yourself, remember you are important. We are all pulling for you!

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    1. Thanks, I appreciate the kind thoughts!

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