Scale whore/scale prude - my life as both

So lately I have been a scale prude - basically avoiding the scale because I know I won't like what it says.  Yet when I am doing well, I have to stop myself from becoming a scale whore, knowing for me weighing myself every day can sometimes be discouraging.  I haven't been on the scale in weeks, and I know it will be bad.  I was all motivated earlier this month, and was getting back on track.  I wish I could tell you what derailed me, but I truly don't know.  I am an emotional eater, and work has been stressful, so I have definitely been hitting the junk hard at work.  My therapist told me to write down my feelings before reaching for food when I'm stressed. I thought, that is a great idea!  And then promptly ignored that advice at the first opportunity.  I know this journey has its ups and downs, but I wish I could sustain the up periods for a bit longer than a week! 

Weekly Weigh In, Before and Progress Pics, 2012 BOOBS, etc.

Getting back to weekly weigh in as part of my get back on track plan.

Saturday 6/23/12 - 270.8 (lowest I have been since surgery was 264, but got back up to 284 so I'll take 270!)

Above is me probably at my highest recorded weight of 386.

The above pictures were me at around 358, after I had started my medical weight loss program pre-surgery. Please ignore the junk in the background!

The above pics are me this week, so around 270.  Still about 100 lbs to go, but figured I need to start celebrating my progress.  Again, please ignore the junk in the background! I'm too lazy to crop it out! LOL

I have signed up for BOOBS 2012 in Chicago and I'm really excited to go!  I think this will be another piece of motivation for me.  I want to get as healthy as I can so I can walk all over Chicago!  I have never been to the Windy City, but I plan on looking up places of interest so I can plan some excursions while I'm there.  Anyone have any favorite places they have been in Chicago, please let me know.  Also, if you are going to BOOBS 2012 and have something fun planned let me know that too so I can see if I can join you!

I have been asked for WLS advice for the first time.  I never even thought about that aspect of it.  Just like I have asked Maria and other bandsters a billion questions, I'm sure others will ask me.  I've been asked about it before, but more out of curiosity, not for someone considering it.  I feel a little intimidated actually.  I am going to respond to her email with all the info I have and tell her to research, research, research!  She is considering all of the different WLS, but I really feel everyone has to do what is best for them, so I won't push her towards any particular one.

That's all I've got for today.  Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend!

Whole Foods Convert!

I went into a Whole Foods for the first time tonight.  That place is crazy awesome!  To say I was overwhelmed is an understatement.  They have make your own trail mix and like 12 kinds of bulk granola!  I went crazy in the produce section, hope I can use it all before it goes bad!  It is definitely more expensive than a regular food store, but it is good stuff.  I will definitely be back!

Trying to get my mojo back!

Hello blog world, long time no see!  I've been struggling still with my journey, and recently trying to get my mojo back.  I've been gaining and losing the same 15-20 lbs.  I've been frustrated with my band and mostly with myself.  Really, I know the band is a tool, and it is my head that needs fixing, but how does one do that?  Electric Shock Therapy?  My surgery support group was fine in the beginning, but it became mostly about people fulfilling their pre-surgery requirement, which wasn't much help to me.  I'm not generally a "group" kind of person anyway.  Probably why I've tried WW several times, only to quit pretty early on.

My wonderful boyfriend has been so supportive, and he knows I've been struggling and full of frustration.  He had a sit down with me last night to talk about it all.  Much as I tried to avoid it, because that is what I do, he insisted and he can be pretty persuasive.  So several tissues later, because frankly I cry at the drop of a hat, especially when talking about my weight issues, we had hashed out some things.  He mentioned how I did better pre-surgery than I have since.  He suggested I go back to what worked for me then.  Nothing that I didn't know, food journal, slower eating, more days of exercise, reading the blogs even if I'm not posting, etc..  He promised to help in any way he can, and said he understands that I will always struggle with this, but that I can't give up because he needs me too much.  I do love that man so!

All this being said, I am thinking about going to BOOBS.  I think meeting some of you wonderful and inspiring people face to face would be an amazing thing.  Anyone who has been there before have any insight on what to expect, and what were some of their favorite things about it?  Any newbies like me considering going?  I know I'm late to the party on this one, so I'm not 100% on it yet.  

Had to give some back

So I got a fill on April 16 and it worked pretty well, but then I got to the point where I couldn't eat solids or it would get stuck and painful, no matter how much I chewed or how slow I ate.  I tried to wait it out, thinking it might get better, or it was something I was doing.  I followed the rules, and it was just too tight.  I called my surgeon's office on Monday and explained and they got me in on Tuesday for an unfill.  I was at 4.5 cc and they tried to pull out .50, but wound up pulling .65.  Well it was great today to eat something without pain!  I was able to eat a banana today for the first time in weeks without getting sick.  I was able to eat an entire Lean Cuisine without any pain.  I think I am at a good spot, but time will tell if I have enough restriction.  I did lose the weight that I gained during this 3 week period, and I'm now down to 264. 

I'm trying to get back to the gym, but I can't seem to find the time.  I do see a personal trainer 2 times a week, and I always plan to go to the gym on the other days, but I never seem to get there.  Work is still stressful, and I'm working long hours, and there never seems to be enough time to do it all.  Sad to say, but exercise is the first thing to go!  I'm so glad I have the personal trainer, because without her I might never exercise.

Hope everyone is having a great week!

Fill 'er up

Well I got my third fill on 4/16.  I had gotten up to 284 lbs when I weighed myself the morning of the fill.  Today I weighed myself and I'm down to 268!  I'm thinking the fill is doing its job.  I'm up to 4.5 cc.  The nurse looked at my restriction from the scans of my last fill and said you could drive a truck through it.  Usually they don't do more than 1 cc at a time, but she recommended I get 1.5.  I was really tight at first, and wasn't sure if they had gone a little too aggressive.  It seems to have loosened up a bit now, but I am still getting used to this more intense restriction.  Before this I didn't feel like the band had really done anything for me, but now I feel like it is doing the job it was intended to do.  Here is hoping I finally have the tool I need!

Filled with regrets

I haven't blogged since January, and didn't think I would blog again.  I'm not sure what is compelling me now.  I go for my third fill tomorrow, but I am not holding out much hope.  I have been quite depressed and sort of regretting getting my lap band surgery.  I had gotten down to 269 pounds, and now I am back up to about 282.  This surgery hasn't been any different than any other diet I have been on.  I am completely gung ho and successful for a while, and then I crash and burn.  I don't feel like the band has done anything for me, except to occasionally make me hurt and vomit.  I can't seem to get my head back in the game, and I know the surgery does nothing for your head, so why the hell did I do it?  I can't seem to come up with a good answer for that these days.